Ma olen uppumas. Oma enda mõtetesse ja kohustustesse mida ma nii hõlpsalt vastu võtan. Täna alustan siis sõudmiskursusega algajatele. Eile käisin jooksmistrennis ja esmaspäeviti plaanin ÜRO-päeva Novembris. Lisaks kõigele olen ma aina rohkem ja rohkem seotud organisatsiooniga KEEN, ehk puuetega lastega sportimine ja nende vanematele paariks tunniks puhkuse andmine. Reedel lähen tutvustan ühele kõrval koolis käivale tüdrukule meie pinkiklubi ja laupäeval lähen KEENiga ujuma. Oh seda minu mõistust küll, ei saa vist ise ka aru mille jaoks ma pidevalt kohustustele allakirjutan. Samas on kõik need tegevused ideaalne puhkus. Palju palju produktiivsem kui tv-seriaaalide vaatamine ja internetimugavustes istumine. Vähemalt ma tunnen, et teen midagi kasulikku ja arendan ennast mingis mõttes, samal ajal koolsit pausi pidades. Mis internetti puutub, siis just sellel põhjusel tulin ka blogisse kirjutama. Järgmiseks viieks nädalaks olen ma oma Facebooki konto ära blokkinud, et saaksin just õppimisele ja muudele tegevustele keskenduda. 12. mai on 10km jooks Oxfordi kesklinnas ja kaks nädalat enne on Blenheim palee juures 7km jooks ning tahaks ka need edukalt siiski ära teha.
Vahepeal on mul olnud aga väga väga väga edukas vaheaeg. Nägin kõik kallid inimesed ära, käisin eesti meistriga spas ( hehe oma emaga), Soomes võistlesin parimate trennikatega ja viimase vaheaja poolest veetsin Lõuna-Itaalias sõbranna juures. Sai päikest võetud, pizzat pastat ja mozzarellat söödud ning tähelepanu eest minema joostud. See oli väga huvitav kogemus, poleks arvanudki, et kultuur ikkagi nii palju võib erineda. Ala. isegi politsei vaatas kummaliselt, et kellegil oli tagaistmel turvavöö peal. TURVAVÖÖ, mille olemasolust perekond isegi teadlik ei olnud. Nüüd aga on mul kahe tunnine paus, sest inglise keele tund jäi ära. Seda aega aga kasutan nüüd asjalikult ja kasutan interneti otsingumootorite võimsust, et otsida rohkem infot Jungi kohta ning matemaatika kasutamise kohta psühholoogias. Üritan ka Yevgeni Zamyatini "We" uuesti läbi lugeda selle nädala jooksul. Seda raamatut soovitan ma küll iga ühele kellel plaanis ka Orwelli "1984" läbi lugeda. See raamat andis inspiratsiooni nii talle kui ka Huxleyle "Brave New World" kirjutamisel. Eesti lugejad võivad selle ka vene keelsena leida. (kuigi raamat ilmus esimesena inglise keeles, sest ilmselgelt keelas Stalin, keda ka sümboolselt kujutatud on, ilmutamise Nõukogude Liidus ära). 1920ndatel ilmutatud raamatus võib igaüks leida kas lihtsaid ideid või keerulisi filosoofiaküsimusi, vastavalt selle mis põhjusel selle lugemisele on satutud ning peaaegu 100 aastat ilmunut raamatut võiks tõesti lugeda ükskõik mis ajastul. Tõesti huvitavalt kirjutatud ja ühiskonnale on samuti erilise nurga alt lähenetud.
Küll ma ikka pean palju jaksama...- ennast kiitmast ma ei väsi :D Eesmärk o nvähemalt selge- järgmised kaks kuud väsitan ennast ära ja teen nii palju ku ijaksan, et siis suvekuid rahulikult nautida ning esimesed päevad Eestis maha magada.
 Kuid lihtsalt neid esseesid koguneb ja koguneb ning avastasin taas oma e-mailist ilusa kirja kuidas TOKs(teadmiseteooria) peab matemaatika ja teaduse kohta 1000 sõnalise essee kirjutama. Nagu meil juba piisavalt poleks tegemist kõikide IA´dega ja oma enda sotsiaaleluga korraldusega. Loodan, et mu mitte pidev postitamine on selge põhjusega. Kuid nüüd, kui on palju tööd vaja teha ning sõudmise trennis käia, siis on ju juba ette teada kuidas mõtted kõlguvad mujale. Selletõttu ei tasu mu blogi liiga kauaks kinni panna- ehk leian aega teile kirjeldada kuidas ma esimeses sõudmise trennis korralikult vette lendasin ja kõik teised endaga kaasa tirisin. Sest see on mu kuri salakaval plaan- ainuke kukkuja ma küll olla ei kavatse. Ilmad on küll ilusad olnud + 15 kraadi, kuid ega vannivee lähedale see järvevesi ilmselgelt ei küündi.

Kui soovite minuga ühendust võtta, siis telefon, skype ja ka blogi kommentaarid on alati teretulnud. Soovige mulle edu selle tohutu hulga tööga millega ma pean toime tulema ning päikest teile sinna Eestisse ! :)

O glorious Rome.

Stuck. Sitting here in this airport. Stuck. The sun is burning my already burned face and I’m reading my completely LOVELY biology notes. People next to me have the benefit of enjoying the juicy Italian tomatoes with some freaking amazing mozzarella. Mind sharing some? No thanks, I’m rather trying to listen to basshunter and occasionally enjoy my own benefit of listening to it from both headphones, as one is refusing to obey my commands.

Are you Ready?

I am.

I’ve been ready since I hopped off that f# plane and raced off all the pizza and pasta that I’ve been continuously stuffing myself with since I arrived on Wednesday. I could almost feel the alpha cells in my pancreas releasing glycagon which makes glucagen turn into glucose so i can run faster. Yes, I had my Biolgoy notes open on blood glucose levels while writing this line. Now however the beta cells in the pancrease are producing insulin as im going to store glucose as glucogen!! Hopefully I’m a healthy person and my hypothalamus works well.. To be honest, I don’t care what my body is doing, all I can feel is a flow of fury being pumped through my body while slowly relasing the torment of wainting. I think I forgot to mention –the freaking battery of my laptop is decreasing with even greater rate than the outer calmness I’m displaying in order to appear sane.

Insanity.

All around me. Have you ever noticed how many people smoke? Sitting here and trying to enjoy the burning feeling of Vitamin D entering my body, makes me more noticeable of the smell of cigarettes enlightening all around me. Constantly inhaling nicotine. As consumers do. I just consumed a airplane ticket which took away all my savings. Not through my own will. Though…wait a second.. I voluntarily gave up my money..while it felt so much involuntary. Everything appears voluntary on the outside, while barely anything really is. The appearance of the richness of choices. The appearance that we are using a fancy, good quality Lancome cosmetic product while we it’s exactly the same as the 20 pounds cheaper product of Loreal. They are the same company as I found out recently. The same composition. The same factory. How much choice do we actually have? None. However much id like to think that those people inhaling nicotine so eagerly do have a choice… they don't. Though they could choose not to, that seems like a choice. The closest to the concept of choice we have. But the addiction is.. too addictive. Does it even matter? Maybe. But might as well not. Even when the amount of waste in your body accumulates- one cigarette here or there doesn't seem to matter. Or does it? WE may feel it when we observe the change in long term, but it still doesn't make much difference.. right?

Time is just a type of perception. A conceiving, but a compelling one. A perception we are obsessed with. Does it matter that I missed my flight and will arrive in Oxford a few hours late? No. It will not change the fact that I wont have the key to my room as I managed to forget it home. Does the extra few hundred euros count? However I’d want the answer to be yes… It is still an ugly no. Even when I’d create an illusion and think that there must be so muuuch I could have bought with it. A new pair of jeans maybe, 2-3 pairs of shoes that run out as they all seem to not like my accompany and leave me as soon as I’ve laid my feet on the ground for a few times. The ugly truth is that this money would have probably been spent on useless things-food, transport, lame entertainment.

A new pair of jeans that would increase my level of happiness sfor a few days and then diminish as it fluctuates back to its normal range? Luckily my normal range is quite high up,so a pair of jeans and shoes wouldn't make too much of a difference. However, I would have been happier by donating this money to the charity. But even this wouldn't go to the right place. Half of it would mystically disappear in between, back to the pockets of people who will then GREATLY use it for the GREAT purpose of buying their daughter a fancy pair of jeans. It’s an never ending circle. Of course I’m being cynical. Perhaps too cynical. This is highly influenced by my current emotional state labelled as “stuck in a airport”. Sure there are good people in this world. We all consider ourselves averagely good. At least all we want do is good. OAnd is it bad that this disgustingly rich bastard is buying his daughter a posh pair of jeans? I nthe end, it would make this girl HAPPY. The magical happiness. It would make this girl happy for a little while until she throws them away, not even considering donating them to an orphanage where a child would be happier than just a fraction of a day. Or is she afraid that the jeans would mystically disappear in the way to the orphanage? Such a paradox..

Well it is all a question of morality. I, as a average good person or so I like to think, would expect the donated money to go to the purpose I was giving it to. I would expect an African child to actually get her stomach full in the end of the day or the elimination of the holes in the roof that let the pouring rain through that keep her awake the whole night. Irony…It would actually be nice if it would rain in Africa, right? According to the stereotype or knowledge that I think I own. They would probably do a proper happy dance that its raining and the almighty god has provided a passage for water to come straight to their home. However, what I wanted to say is that the donated money should go to the right palce and that would be truly a great purpose for it. Better than a pair of jeans with a label on them. UUU, a label. We are all labelled. Constatly. I’m typing on my IPHONE at the moment. What a little spoiled child writing about naive wishes for people to be less selfish. Do I feel guilty for having a phone while sunbathing and complaining about my missed flight? What a first world kid. Even her pessimism is gone, as she replaced the “burning hurting sun” with “ sunbathing”. So do I feel guilty? Perhaps I should, but the reality is different. We all have our paths in this life and its all covered with labels. “A child, student, youngster, elderly” are the more general ones. Spoiled little girl typing on her iphone the pointless crap while her deepest wish would be to grab that mozzarella and a few tomatoes from the person sincerely enjoying them next to her. I would not call my self spoiled. I don't even appear spoiled, not even talking about being  labelled in such way.

However much I would want to, and I cant see why I would want to feel a feeling like that, I do not feel guilty. Difficulties come in different shapes and forms and are always offered in life, rarely on golden plates. True, the condition of my phone isn’t a problem, good education or travelling isn’t a problem. It’s always the magnificent mind that makes up the problems we seem to face. The almighty mind keeps pulling everyones leg. No ones untouched by this. How many of your problems are made up by your mind_? How many of them could you earese by just changing the way you look at them? Take a deep breath and now slap yourself while you face it – almost all of them. As I said- It’s not a problem I missed my flight. I have a bit more time to read, relax and sunbathe. I can enjoy a little bit of sun and look at the Brightside. Always look at the alternatives. It’s simply a false dilemma that you have just one or two ways of looking at things. Stop deceiving yourself. Stop deceiving others and make it better for yourself. You can’t change what happens around you or what happens to you, but you can change the way you perceive and act on it. Your mind is what determines how you perceive, feel and act.  If you can’t control what’s going on, at least take the effort to change the state of your mind.

I haven't been writing for a while now. Why? I have no idea... Too much work? Too much to do? Well there isn't anything specific going on in my life, but I suppose school, trainings, social life and sleep take up most of my time. Though im now finished with exams and just getting ready for a few  university visits, trip to Lisbon, brak at home for 2 weeks and then going to South Italy. Quite a variety of events coming up I assume.
I've been playing some table tennis, going running every day for a few weeks and started some very interesting books that I'd like to share with you. I have no idea whether I've mentioned them before or when was the last time I posted something, so my apologies to the ones that

Mind on hakanud huvitama kirjandus ja muusika, milles ma varem mitte midagi ei leidnud. Ma ei tea mis muutus on minus toimunud või kas see on tulnud ajapikku, kuid nüüd järsku suudan leida luules midagi imepärast. Midagi sellist mis annab ei anna vaid mõtteainet, aga ka vastavas kontekstis rahustab. Paneb mõistma kui mitmekülgne on maailm ning kui huvitav on mõnda täiesti tavapärast fenomeni mõnest teisest küljest vaadelda.
Võib-olla hakkan vanaks jääma.
Selge see, et see kõlab irooniliselt, aga mind pole mitte kunagi varem sellised asjad huvitanud..... Kas minuga on midagi valesti? Ei.
Või siiski.. olen viimased kaks päeva plavikus kodus istunud ja üleliia vett joonud ja õunu söönud..
Samas pole see nüüd väga äkiline muutus. Kui mind eelmine aasta sunniti luulesse süvenema, siis leidsin ka sealt endale teadvustamata huvitavat materjali. Pole palju võimalusi või sõnu, mis aitaksid edasi kanda mõtet, ideed, emotsiooni. Kõige keerulisem ongi vist viimasena.. kuidas saab kirjeldada tundeid, mida vahel on raske endalegi seletada? Tunne ju sõltubki paljuski sellest, kuidas inimene otsustab seda tõlgendada. Luule on minu arust aga suurepärane vahend, mis on nüüd jõudnud kõige lähedamale tunnete ja sündmuste  "tõelise tähenduse" edasi kandmisse.
Ka sündmustele annab ju tähenduse siiski tunne, mille tõttu see meelde jääb. Sellepärast ehk ongi meil raske panna teisi inimesi mõistma teatud sündmusega kaasnenud elamust..
Ühesõnaga, kõik mida ma selle lühikese postitusega tahan öelda on :
 Lugege luulet.
Võtke väike osake oma päevast ja pöörake tähelepanu millegile, mida pole varem väärtustanud. Sellest võib teile endale lõpuks kasu tulla.
Kuulake head ja huvitavat muusikat.

Little Red-Cap

Carol Ann Duffy

At childhood’s end, the houses petered out

into playing fields, the factory, allotments

kept, like mistresses, by kneeling married men, 

the silent railway line, the hermit’s caravan, 

till you came at last to the edge of the woods. 

It was there that I first clapped eyes on the wolf. 

He stood in a clearing, reading his verse out loud 

in his wolfy drawl, a paperback in his hairy paw, 

red wine staining his bearded jaw. What big ears

he had! What big eyes he had! What teeth!

In the interval, I made quite sure he spotted me, 

sweet sixteen, never been, babe, waif, and bought me a drink, 

my first. You might ask why. Here’s why. Poetry.

The wolf, I knew, would lead me deep into the woods,

away from home, to a dark tangled thorny place

lit by the eyes of owls. I crawled in his wake,

my stockings ripped to shreds, scraps of red from my blazer

snagged on twig and branch, murder clues. I lost both shoes

but got there, wolf’s lair, better beware. Lesson one that night, 

breath of the wolf in my ear, was the  love poem.

I clung till dawn to his thrashing fur, for

what little girl doesn’t dearly love a wolf?

Then I slid from between his heavy matted paws

and went in search of a living bird – white dove –

which flew, straight, from my hands to his hope mouth.

One bite, dead. How nice, breakfast in bed, he said,

licking his chops. As soon as he slept, I crept to the back

of the lair, where a whole wall was crimson, gold , aglow with books.

Words, words were truly alive on the tongue, in the head,

warm, beating, frantic, winged; music and blood.

But then I was young – and it took ten years 

in the woods to tell that a mushroom

stoppers the mouth of a buried corpse, that birds

are the uttered thought of trees, that a greying wolf

howls the same old song at the moon, year in, year out,

season after season, same rhyme, same reason. I took an axe

to a willow to see how it wept. I took an axe to a salmon

to see how it leapt. I took an axe to the wolf

as he slept, one chop, scrotum to throat, and saw 

the glistening, virgin white of my grandmother’s bones.

I filled his old belly with stones. I stitched him up.

Out of the forest I come with my flowers, singing, all alone.

Trying out vegan diet for a week. My motives, introduction and Day 1

This post will be a little different from the previous ones. I should rather say that the next 7 posts will be concentrating on a challenge I've decided to take. I have no idea where the idea exactly came from, but I've always been interested in vegetarianism and veganism. Although I'm not a vegan or not even a vegetarian I understand their motives and value their commitment highly. Therefore I hope no-one misinterprets my aim in this challenge and understands that it's all about my personal interest.

So the challenge I've taken is to try out their lifestyle, precisely veganism, for a week. Many may say that this limited time will not give me an good idea of veganism. At this point, I must say that this is not my intention. I know what veganism is and I've done plenty of research on their nutrition, I've even ordered some vegan chocolate, sweets and sausages(!!). My aim is not to get what veganism is, but to understand how determined they must be and to see what obstacles come on the way. I do know that one week is not comparable to actually experiencing it but it will give me a glimpse of the pros and cons of being a vegan, without entirely excluding the moral benefits. During this week, my blog is transformed into a informal diary where I'll note down how it has affected me so far.  I've talked to vegetarians and vegans, who have given me an idea of what I can expect. I also want to thank them for the help and support. I also feel the need to note that I hope my other friends will not judge, tempt or talk about it too much, as you can follow it all here and I appreciate your understanding. 

 I agree that one week may not be enough to affect my social life too much, for example going to eat out with friends and having to say no to basically everything. I also have know that I can not label it as being a full-vegan-for-a-week, as veganism also includes more than just abstaining from animal-based foods. At this point, I'd like to go on to my first day as trying out vegan diet for a week. 

Day 1

I can confidently say that I'm as prepared as I can possibly be, excluding some natural draw backs such as finding out that my chocolate will not arrive until the end of the month..... Which means basically that  I will abstain from chocolate among other things. How awful as it may sound, it's not gonna make a huge difference. I've had a week without any added sugar or sweet products, and the benefits of it were undescribable. To make it short and not to concentrate on my previous weird challenge, I will just say that as my blood sugar was normal without extra sugar, it was quite enjoyable. 

However my preparation for the week didn't consist of only ordering chocolate. I went to a local supermarket just 15 minutes away with my vegetarian friend(you are incredibly precious, Marci!!), who helped me buy food for the next days without any unconscious mistakes. I'm now stocked with vegan bread, various salads, smoothies and fruits, which will help me get through the next days. We are also planning to go to a vegan restaurant this weekend which already sounds to be delicious!

So I'd say there weren't many draw backs today and I coped well. I also discovered that it's even possible to buy some vegan snacks from school. It is indeed limited, but I'm happy that there's any at all. A few smoothies can actually fill you up very quickly after school and you have more free time during lunch as you don't need to queue for any food and can easily prepare it at home. I'm still a bit worried about the limitations I have, as it's not very varied, but I do my best to maintain my determination. The tomato soup I had for lunch was perfect and as you can imagine, I still find it incredibly delicious. I'm glad I discovered it and am able to now keep buying it even after my vegan-week will end. So even though I can't join others at the cookies time(a break time after school, where you can get tea, coffee and biscuits) and have to watch them drink their Latte and eat freely, there's nothing tempting about it. 

So I'll finish it today and provide you with more information tomorrow. One day as a vegan hasn't changed my sleeping habits and I still need my at least 8-hour beauty sleep(figuratively speaking).

SIMPLY BECAUSE ME AND HELEN ARE GOING TO LONDON THIS WEEKEND AND TO BLINK-182 CONCERT ON FRIDAY!!! WUHUUUUUU.  And I´m gonna visit her in August!!!!!!!

 Aga meie lähme Blink 182 kontserdile see reede +veedame viimase nädalavahetuse Londonis. NING MA LÄHEN TALLE AUGUSTIS SAKSAMAALE KÜLLAA!!!!

Almost there :)

Sorry, I haven´t been in a condition to write for a while... but it´s getting better and I´ll post some photos etc. Also next time when I happen to have some motivation, i´ll use it properly                                   

--------

Istun hetkel siin laua taga ja lihtsalt ootan, et see nädal juba läbi saaks. Täiesti kohutavalt masendav esmaspäev, millele järgnes veelgi masendavam teisipäev. Ainuke lootust andev tegur on olnud Helen(mu uus toakaaslane). Ma poleks iial uskunud, et alguses täiesti võõra inimesega tuppa sattumine võib selliseks õnnistuseks osutuda. Mõne inimesega lihtsalt klapib ja kohe sobib.. see on ikka väga kaugel sellest raskest toajagamisest mida ma alguses pelgasin. Suuresti muidugi ka minu esimesel toakaaslasele(no offence, aga tagasi mõeldes oli ta ikka tõeline bitch). Ilma Helenita oleksin siin kolm päeva lihtsalt oma voodis lamanud ja mitte kuhugi liikunud. Meil toas tujud ka liiguvad ühelt inimeselt teise, niiet üksteisest arusaamiseks pole vaja isegi pingutada. Eelmine nädal kusjuures lõppes üllatavalt hästi. Reedene päev oli lihtsalt kirjeldamatult naljakas ning isegi laupäeva nautisime, missest et me mõlemad vaid paar tundi maganud olime. Aga no eks selline nädalavahetus peabki kohe kontrastiks saama esmaspäeva oma kõikide eksisteerivate probleemidega. Eilne õhtu paistis aga jällegi helgemas valguses ning tõi natuke inimlikkust tagasi. Ma ei kujuta ette kuidas ma ennast sinna kohale vedasin, aga läksime siis Kristellega varem pinksi mängima. Pärast kahte tundi olin küll päris läbi, aga palju paremaks läks olemine kohe. Trennikaaslaste huumor läheb küll peale, samas nüüd järgmine nädal pole jälle trenne, sest inglastel on nädalane vaheaeg.. meil lõppeb see eest kool varem. Kuid vähemalt suutis see mu olemise paremaks teha.
Päris mõttetu ülevaade, aga pidin kuhugi üles kirjutama kuidas ma ennast viimastel päevadel liigutada pole suutnud... Kui ma selle nüüd kõrvale jätan ja üritan veel märkimisväärsete asjade peale mõelda, siis avastan, et ka vaatamata sellele millest ma just kirjutasin, on paljugi muud juhtunud.
Otsustasin lõpuks oma ained järgmiseks kaheks aastaks ära. Loodetavasti enam muutusi selles ei tule, sest siis läheks päris keeruliseks asi. Psühholoogia, Bioloogia ja Ajalugu HL ja English A, Spanish ja matemaatika SL. Lõpuks anti mulle siis luba inglise keel emakeelena võtta, mis mind isegi meeldivalt üllatuma pani. Eesti keele õppimises ma erilist mõtet ei näe, eriti kui mul on võimalus kolmas keel praegu juurde õppida... Aga eks paistab kui raskeks mul see kõik kujuneb.
Lauatennises on samuti päris hästi läinud. Üle eelmine nädalavahetus oli invitation tournament. Naistest tulin teiseks, mis oli kusjuures väga pettuma panev, sest ma pole sellele finaalivastasele peaaegu kordagi kaotanud ja nüüd andisin nii lihtsalt talle viimase setti ära.... Segapaaris aga võidsin Jingyu´ga, mis kohati kompenseeris mu kaotuse. Samuti sain aasta juuniori tiitli :) Ma ei tea kas olen maininud, aga mul on neljapäeval nüüd veel üks trenn juures, kus Oxfordshire´i kaks parimat mängijat käivad meid treenimas, mis on päris hästi läinud. Kõige parem osa on muidugi autosõit sinna ja tagasi, sest see suudab meeleolu heaks teha. Üks kord see poolakas andis mulle oma teed, mida ta poola poest pidevalt ostab. Päris naerma ajas küll, aga maitsev glögi-maitseline tee oli vähemalt.  Pluss alati kestvad kommentaarid minu õige treeneri sõidustiili kohta, sest me keegi ei tunne ühtegi 65-aastast kes nii kiiresti sõidaks. Kõige parem osa sellejuures on, et kõik teised mäletavad ka paremini millal ta oma trahvid on saanud ja ta paar korda kuus ikka räägib nendest.
Aga nüüd ma luban, et kui mul järgmine kord kirjutamise tuju tuleb, siis ma tõesti avan blogi ja kirjutan midagi huvitavat ka üle pika-pika aja. Arvatavasti küll inglise keeles, sest pärast selle postituse läbi lugemist on igasugune isu eesti keeles kirjutada kadunud.


Peaaegu nädalavahetus.... peaaegu suvevaheaeg.

Seni aga veidike üleeelmise nädalvahetuse pilte, kui ma Isiga Blenheim palaceis käisin :